Seeking Help

When I fell pregnant with you Liam I naturally thought of all the firsts we would share and explore together, one of them was not our first counselling session. When we break a bone or suffer an illness we go and see a doctor. So, it made sense to me when my heart and mind broke after your death Liam that a doctor could help too. Now I am aware that counselling or therapy is not for everyone, but I think when something as tragic and life altering as child loss occurs there should be plenty of opportunities and offers for professional support and guidance. I sought counselling 5 weeks after your death Liam…I had my first session nearly 6 months after.

No counselling was offered from the hospital after your death Liam. My son died and I was not offered any help of this kind. I was given a box when I left the hospital and in it was all of your beautiful things along with some pamphlets…none of which offered the support we needed. The counsellor that saw us in the hospital said someone would call a few weeks after we got home, they never did. I presented these facts with my obstrician at my six week check up and he helped me navigate the world of mental health. Help is out there but, in my experience, it is not as easy or as plentiful to access as people think. When you are at your absolute lowest it is up to you to find help and then initiate the process. I don’t know why but I just thought there would be a little more professional support for someone in my position. Liam, after I gave birth to your brother a maternal child health nurse came to check on him and I in the home to make sure we were physically and mentally doing okay. After your birth and then death…nothing. It just doesn’t seem right.

Liam, although in the first months following your death there has been a lack of access to professional help, I have been blessed with so many friends and family offering their ear to listen, their shoulder to cry on and their presence to sit with me and just be. I know others aren’t as lucky. Grief from the death of a baby is unimaginably hard, indescribably lonely and utterly life changing. I am so thankful for all of our family and friends who make themselves available to me. In my experience the wait for professional support is a long and lonely one so the ‘unprofessional’ help and support of family and friends is invaluable.

I didn’t go into my appointment today thinking that these sessions would change anything Liam. You are dead. There is no fixing this. A heart once broken in this way, remains that way until we meet again. What I do hope Liam, is that it will make each day that little bit more bearable. Each day a little happier. Each day a little easier to navigate through and face the sadness, triggers and tough times that continuously pop up without warning.

Liam, I hope today that I made you proud, taking another step forward in finding the new me. I miss the old me every day but on the good days I know that this new me is going to be spectacular once the storm clears. It will never stop raining; the tears will never stop falling but I am going to be okay because I have the best teacher and motivator…you. Liam, I am ready to work with professional support to create the best me and learn how to dance in the rain because both you and Caden deserve the best Mummy to raise and remember her boys.

Love Mummy