My Body

Liam, this week Mummy has been continuing her self-care. It has been a long time since I looked after my body the way I used to, I think in a way I have been punishing it. Liam, in the early weeks after your death I would become so upset about what happened and how it happened that your Daddy would literally have to pick me up off the floor and carry me to bed. We would then both hope I would fall asleep through the sobbing before I fell apart. I was so overcome with guilt over what had happened. I know now sweet boy that it was not my fault you died; it was a fault in my body that caused preterm labour to happen but early on there was little differentiating the two for me. I remember waking one night at 3am crying and screaming before I had even opened my eyes, with the most awful feeling of wanting to just get away from myself as I literally couldn’t stand being in the body that did this to you. I grabbed my phone and wrote this down: one go, no correction – the words just flowed…the tears flowed more and I’m sorry just didn’t seem enough.

It was ultimately my body that let you down. Let our tiny human down. My little boy that was growing so beautifully inside my womb, that all the scans had indicated was perfect.

My body, the body of your mother whose job it is to care, protect and nurture you for the 9 months we share together as one. It is a fault in my body that thrust your small, perfect body into the world way too soon, before it could cope with what living on the outside entailed.

It is my body that asked your little delicate one to perform on its own before it was ready to do so. It is my body that lost us the opportunity to see you walk or hear you talk. It is my body that meant we would never know the colour of your eyes. It is my body that robbed Caden of growing up alongside his brother. It is my body that robbed us of a lifetime of firsts.

And now it is my body I have to live in daily knowing that this was the body that denied us the opportunity to complete our family…complete the only thing that really matters. It is my body that denied your family a son, brother, grandson and nephew. It is my body that I now have to try and find peace with Liam, after all the pain…the ultimate pain it has caused.

Liam, how exactly do I do that? Liam, how do I trust my body again? Liam, how do I ever forgive it? How do I get up each day living in a body that denied you, my son, the same opportunity? Liam, how do I know you hear my cries of just how sorry I am and forever will be?  

Love Mummy