Lockdown Life

Dear Liam,

I needed a break.

I took a break from spreading awareness through your Instagram page for a bit because the perfect world of Instagram was becoming just a little too much for your Mummy, the world was becoming a little too much for your Mummy. It is the longest break I have had from posting since we started the page for you back in 2019.

Instead, I played with your brother and sister on the floor, we built train rail systems, block castles, magical, magnetic oceans, and dazzling robot space planets, to name a few. I spent nap/rest time, sipping hot cups of tea while reading books and enjoyed cuddles on the couch with way too much Paw Patrol, but gee your brother loved every minute of it. I watched your sister go from stumbling to walking while we baked, danced and laughed together.

I poured myself into your website in the evenings, adding to it in ways I have been meaning to for over a year now, sorry about that bit. As you know your Mummy is not technical in any sense, so every line of code or placement of picture takes some time to learn and then apply.

I am more than aware that some people have no problem balancing both social media and quality family time simultaneously, however my head needed the break. I needed the break from unrealistic expectations, as pretty and beautiful as they are. Liam, as I scrolled my squares, I would see people sharing the dinner they cooked in perfectly clean kitchens when, on days, our bench was struggling to be found or I would see people showing off sparkly new purchases when once again I am forced to let your Daddy be the only breadwinner here. If I scrolled further bright, beautiful pictures of play without a toy out of place, while my children were flipping their trays on their head because they were angry and didn’t understand why Grandma couldn’t come and cook the special pancakes for them and I felt even more of a failure as I saw beautifully posed, put together people smiling after their 5km run while I couldn’t even manage to get out of my robe for a walk to the playground that day.  

Liam, Melbourne is just starting the second week of its sixth lockdown. To date Melburnians have been in lockdown (now when I say lockdown I mean, only five reason to leave home kind of lockdown) for 215 days since March last year. That doesn’t include the hard, medium and soft restrictions enforced before and after every lockdown.

215 DAYS! Empathy is great, and welcomed, but unless you live this nightmare you can’t begin to imagine what it has been like to be a Melburnian in 2020/21, in our case, small business owners and casually employed Melburnians constantly changing schedules, pay packets and legal goalposts.

Liam, now throw in the fact that I gave birth to your sister, last year during all of this, after your death only a year earlier. All my mental and physical support listed to care for my bereaved status were, and every lockdown still are, gone. I am very thankful we were booked privately for your sister’s birth, and your daddy could stay after, I don’t know how things would have played out if he couldn’t, which was the grim reality for so many others at the time.

It is close to eight months now of your sister’s life that your extended family haven’t been allowed near her to watch her grow and bond with her. They practically carried us those 7 months leading up to her birth, but we play by the rules and they missed out and continue to miss all the cuddles, baby giggles and moments together. In the beginning I missed out on about 5 months of sleep with a colicky baby up at night and a child not allowed in childcare, running circles around me during the days. Your Daddy an essential worker, so for 6 days of the week it was me running the house, alone, on ninety minutes sleep and Liam if you watch us like I hope you do, some nights that ninety minutes was a little less and it was in the front seat of our car after lapping the block to soothe Little Miss to sleep.

How the flip am I still standing sweet boy?

I am not looking for a ‘well done,’ but I think all of this contributes to why the selfishness of others has really got to me this time. After all we have been through, I have no time for the selfish people. People breaking the rules because they need a dinner with friends, people fleeing the state just before, or even during, lockdown because they need a holiday, people just popping to the shops when isolating because they are too impatient to wait for a delivery. Cities, towns, and entire states close family run businesses, cancel their family trips and don’t get to see their grandchildren grow up because of the selfish people who needed to do it just a bit before everyone else.

As a family we have sacrificed so much, fought so hard…for what? To watch the selfish spoil it repeatedly. I know it shouldn’t get to me Liam and I know I shouldn’t waste even a minute thinking about it, but I do and to be honest the squares don’t help. Seeing people holidaying, having family dinners and being able to plan out their next week, in other countries and states, because they have a say in how it will play out hurts the heart and head.

I can only control myself and my actions and that is why I made the very difficult decision to step away for a bit, I am so very sorry because the time I spend with you brings such smiles and I guess that is why I poured my energy into the website, I still wanted you close. I still wanted to be typing, saying, and seeing your name every day.

It also hurt my heart to be away from the other loss mums and dads whose daily support, be it virtual, is so valuable. I have missed birthdays, angelversaries and many important dates and milestones taking time off and if my missed support to those people has been noticed, I apologise.

Sweet boy, I am not sure how I will balance both real life and ‘filtered’ life, as I like to refer to it, moving forward, especially if we continue in this cycle of lockdowns but I am sure of three things: I want to continue to spread awareness, for us and in support of every family who walk a similar path to ours. I want to continue to play, it is again the only thing that made sense this past week and I want to share my passion for early education and learning through play with the world.  I also know that I want to ensure there are squares sitting within the filtered world that continue to tell it how it is, continue to be the ones that stand up for truth and don’t filter away imperfections and life scars.  

Liam, you taught me so much about gratitude and although this is a rather melancholy letter, I am so very grateful. I am grateful to live in a house with heating, running water and a solid structure. I am grateful for a loving home, a husband, who treats me kindly and works his butt off to provide for us. I am grateful for our three children and the chance to become a Mummy. I am grateful for a full fridge, an even fuller heart and our health. Little boy I am a very grateful Mummy, and I will continue to fight the negative thoughts to fill those spaces with the positive as I have so much to be thankful for. I have so much to look forward to and I have so many things on my to-do list to do, to make you proud.

Thanks for listening little man,

Love Mummy