Grieving through Play

Liam, do you watch him play? Do you watch him build with his Lego, paint with vibrant colours and complete that tricky jigsaw puzzle? 

I sit and watch Caden play while I feed your sister and I wonder what it would have looked like now if I stayed pregnant until the end and brought you home happy and healthy. Would you fight over the same block or work together to build the tallest tower? Do you watch him play and then look over and see tears streaming down my cheeks? As I still try to accept that you are not here. 

Liam, I set up your brother’s tuff tray each day for two reasons. Firstly, I create these play opportunities because he is three and learning through play is important and learning through messy play even more important; not to mention fun.

The second reason tuff tray play started Liam is because I needed time to love you and grieve you. The mornings are hard. Waking up each day without you here is hard. Parenting your brother and sister at the same time as missing you is both challenging and exhausting; it is every day trying to find the right balance of being present for them and grieving you.

So, I bought a tuff tray. Then I put together a little box of ‘tricks,’ mostly items that would have otherwise gone in the recycling, instead I begged your family to put aside for us, I also added some things from the garden and several items I purchased from the clearance tab online at Spotlight.

I deliberately set it up the night before so on those hard mornings, I can direct your brother to his tuff tray to be entertained, inspired and busy while I take the time I need to process my thoughts about missing you or to cry in the pantry…whatever is required that day.

Liam, on the good mornings I sit with Caden and join in the fun. I watch him role play with the sea creatures, farm animals or Lego characters’. Through play, I teach him about the world and himself. I guide his movements from curious to accomplished, sometimes within minutes. I even enjoy watching when the content is flipped over in annoyance, then after several repeat performances…success!

I also make the deliberate choice to set the tuff tray up in the evenings because it offers my mind and body something to do. Liam, grief seems to reappear in the evenings. I think it is because our body and mind start to rest for the day but not the mind of the bereaved parent, my heart and mind are always missing you.

The professionals say that when a tragic event occurs or you are taken out of your comfort zone you look for the familiar to get you through. Liam, as you know your Mummy is a Primary School teacher and the ideas come thick and fast. Each one trying to be more engaging, developmental and/or challenging than the previous.

Over time I have included play space items in the budget to build my reusable supplies. I started this all with one white Ikea Trofast tub, now I have a growing collection of resources but even more ideas and a never ending “wish list” for more of both. So, Liam, I am not sure if this Tuff Tray is for me, for Emily and Caden or for you but I do know that we all get so much out of it.

Over the past several weeks after putting our Tuff Trays up on @living_for_liam I have been talking with some wonderful parents who are either doing similar things and/or expressing interest in doing something similar. Some parents (and grandparents) are on a parenting after loss journey like me, others on a grief journey of a different kind and many are just looking for ways to engage their child(ren) with something other than a screen during different versions of worldwide lockdown.

Liam, you teach us daily the value of play time, family time and creating a space to laugh, play and grow in. You motivate us to snuggle on the couch on a rainy Sunday; for, one more minute. Your death reminded us to never break a toddler cuddle and stay there, within the embrace; for, one more minute. When we come to the end of a play session and ask your brother to pack up you can be sure he will always ask for, one more minute.

My gorgeous little boy you taught me to share what I know; I know education. My aim is to motivate, inspire and increase my own knowledge of how to support children to embark on, consolidate and engage with their learning through play. I hope to only get support and positivity back but I think the risk of possible; humiliation, failure, or ridicule, or all three, is worth it to continue to share our story of how play is such a great way to give grief a positive place to go, when parenting after loss.

Liam, my smallest yet biggest motivator, this one is for you little boy. This one is for everyone; not just the grieving. It is for the boys and girls, Mums and Dads and family and friends that have cracked the code to happiness and always make time for play to light their day.

Love Mummy