Today I cry it out

Liam there are some days I don’t want to be told how strong I am. There are some days that I don’t want to hear that everything has happened for a reason. There are some days I don’t even like being told or telling myself that you are with me in my heart and are with us everywhere we go. There are some days Liam I just want you back, I just want to hold you, I just want to feel you once again laying on my chest…I just want my boy back. The only thing that will stop this unexplainable pain, stop these never-ending tears and stop this immensely overpowering sadness is to have you back.

I was clearing out photos on my phone Liam after yet another, ‘dangerously low on storage’ message and I saw this picture. I remember exactly how I was feeling when this photo was taken. I was the happiest I had ever been in my entire life. I had everything I could have ever wanted. A loving partner (your Daddy) and a beautiful son (your brother) and you were just over halfway to meeting us. Life was perfect. I had never wanted for anything more Liam and I can honestly say I was grateful every morning I got up for what I had.

Now every morning I wake up sad and left wondering…were we punished for being too happy? Does someone up there go “oh so you’re THAT happy…well here’s a test for you.” I looked at that photo again today Liam and it hit me so hard, the realisation that I will never be that happy again. I know I shouldn’t be so selfish, as you dear boy lost so much more but being this sad every day and having to push twice as hard through each minute of each day is exhausting and I am tired now just living.  

Liam in that photo and in that moment we had our entire family together…now we don’t. I feel sad, I feel robbed, I feel cheated, I feel angry and above all I feel useless because there is not one damn thing I can do to fix it. As your Mummy my kisses are meant to be able to fix things and my hugs comfort when things go wrong. There was nothing I could do to stop this from happening Liam and there is nothing I can do now to fix it. On top of all the pain of losing you my dear boy, each day I also must overcome the pain of not being able to do anything about it.   

So today I just cry it out. Liam, today I find my comfy spot, slump down into it and I cry it out. I cling to your cuddle me from the hospital and try to extract the last morsel of your smell from the fabric and I cry it out. Today I spend time in the nursery holding you close and I cry it out. Today I crawl onto your Daddy’s lap and his kisses and hugs try to relieve my pain for a moment and I cry it out. Yes I am strong Liam but I am also human, I am your Mummy and today I just want you back.

Love Mummy