Happy and Sad

Liam what a wonderful time away I am having with your Daddy and brother. We have enjoyed so many days out in the sun together creating memories and have taken tonnes of photos that we will look back on and smile. We have had many moments of laughing until our cheeks hurt, just simple moments out for walks, on drives or in the pool. I have also cried Liam…every single day I cry. Happy times are now all experienced with a weighted hole inside of me that nothing can fill because it is the space in my heart you took with you the day you died my sweet boy.

The morning we left Liam I went into your room to say goodbye to you and explain how and why we were going away but no words came out, just tears. I didn’t anticipate it would be so hard to leave you behind. I know that physically you are no longer with us but there was a strong motherly urge to have you come with us in every way possible, to leave nothing of you behind. I really struggled to leave you…again.

Our first day here Liam I was standing in a line with a family behind us who had a son named after you. In that moment so many ‘will never be’ moments flashed up in my mind and several tears escaped underneath my sunglasses, I think and hope that only I noticed them. It was really nice to hear your name spoken though, and even if they were not speaking of you, I love hearing your name Liam. It may still bring tears to my eyes but it also hugs my heart which is a fair trade for the tears.

The other night I cried too, wept actually, soaking your Daddy’s shirt because I felt so guilty that we are here on a ‘holiday’ only a few months after your death. I don’t know what made me cry more Liam: the fact that we are on holiday when we should be at home elbow deep in nappies and sleep deprived from 2am feeds, or because we are on holiday and experiencing moments of happiness so soon after your death. Please know Liam we went ahead with this trip to give Daddy, Caden and I time together not to ‘get over’ you or your death. We needed some time to be able to remember you and figure out what it means now to be a family without you here with us.

It was hard enough to watch you take your last breath Liam but realising each day all the futures you and us as a family will now miss out on is reoccurring torture. My feeling of happiness has changed now too Liam and it doesn’t feel like it used to before your death. Now when I experience happiness I am sad. I laugh or smile and BANG, it hits me like a tonne of bricks: a punch in the stomach, lump in my throat and a wave of sadness that can’t be explained and I am left thinking of this moment and so many  future ones that you will not be there for.

Liam while we are away I miss being able to go to your room and seeing, smelling and holding your things. I miss reading your messages from your memorial cards every day even though I know you have heard them a dozen times now.  I miss you my baby boy…all of the time. However, there are some little things that are making it easier for me to balance the happy and sad times. Bringing the teddy you held tightly on to in your NICU crib was a great idea as I have given him many hugs already to feel a little closer to you. My necklace with your prints on it make me smile because it means that your footprint is walking beside mine all of the time. I also love seeing pictures of myself where my arm is positioned in such a way that you are captured in the picture with me, my tattoo of you demanding the camera’s attention.

So, my dear Liam, during these two weeks, Mummy is learning how to balance happy and sad in a way that home life has not tested before. So many things we have done on this trip I have enjoyed but I have also wanted you to be there with us. When I think about all the future memories and moments we have been denied as well as all the future family trips that you won’t go on with us, I become so angry and upset. This trip was planned for a family of four…only having three here doesn’t feel right. Liam I selfishly hope it gets easier for me to live each moment when three should be four.

Love Mummy